In the mental health community, there’s a term commonly used called “Self Regulation”.
While there are some interchangeable words that mean the same thing, it’s pretty much just as it sounds. It’s your ability to self soothe, self regulate, or manage your emotions in times of stress, anxiety, frustration, or conflict. Many people expose their partner’s inability to do this when they say or do something that triggers the other to act inappropriately. As a result of you or your partner’s inability to self regulate, much damage and destruction is caused. You end up saying and doing things that you either deeply regret later and/or cause resentment which you’re punished for after the heated conflicts are over. Examples are, “You’re the most selfish person I have ever met” or “You’re a dead fish in bed” or “You sit around doing nothing all day.” These are some of the more mild ones, if you know what I mean. Commonly, the daggers that you throw penetrate deeply and slowly causing your partner to feel less and less towards you. You begin bleeding out the love, day by day, year by year, until there is very little desire to continue with your relationship. Obviously, I commonly see relationships in this frail state and the longer you wait to get help, the more work it will take to repair. The main goal in dealing with your inability to self regulate, whether individually or in couples work is to learn how to acknowledge when you are triggered and have a plan to address it without causing destruction to your relationship. Your inability to self regulate will destroy any relationship so if you’re not working with your partner as a team to address this issue, the consequences can be devastating.
If self regulation is a problem for you or your partner, or you need Santa Clarita Couples Therapy please contact Goodman Therapy at (661)310-1231 to schedule a first free session to allow us to help you learn to self regulate.